Dick and Wally's Bogus Journey
by pupeez4eva
Summary: "OH MY GOD, UNCLE BARRY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH BATMAN!" - In which Flash!Wally and Batman!Dick travel to the past, misunderstandings ensue, and the team is thoroughly freaked out. BirdFlash.


This had to be a nightmare.

It was the only explanation; there was no other reason why this…this _monstrosity_ was taking place.

It was the only explanation because there was _nowhere_ — not even in the most screwed-up alternate dimension he can think of — where _Barry Allen_ and _Bruce Wayne_ should _ever_ (for the sake of his fragile mine, and for that of humanity) be allowed to do this.

So yes — he was having a horrible, horrible nightmare, where his uncle was making out with the goddamn _Batman._ And he was going to wake up…now.

He pinched himself; nothing happened.

 _'Well…crap.'_

You weren't meant to feel pain in dreams, right? Well that sure as hell hurt. Wally's brow furrowed, as his mind desperately scrambled for an answer. There had to be a reason _why_ this was happening. Mind control maybe? Or perhaps CADMUS had struck again, and had cloned Uncle Barry and Batman, with the evil plan of destroying Young Justice through the power of _horrible mental images._

"What the hell is happening right now?" Artemis whispered, sounding slightly awed.

No — no, you were not supposed to feel awed by this. You were supposed to feel horrified; that was totally CADMUS' plan.

"I…I am not quite sure…" Good — Kaldur sounded freaked out. It was nice to know that he wasn't the only one mentally imploding at the sight in front of him.

"I thought the Flash was married?" Conner said, sounding confused. "And Batman was…Batman. Are they allowed to do that?"

"What — is a married man allowed to kiss someone else, or is Batman allowed to kiss someone?"

Wally shot Artemis a scowl, and considered telling her that under _no circumstances_ should the word 'kissed' be used in conjunction with 'Batman' and anything to do with Uncle Barry.

"Both," Conner replied, frowning.

Wally glanced away from the group, and gave himself a moment to sob hysterically (at least on the inside). How had this happened again? They'd walked into the room, and then…

Well, then they'd seen Flash. And Batman. Kissing.

(Kissing _each other_ to be more precise).

And then Wally's brain had exploded in a fit of horror, confusion, and did he mention, _horror?_

Wally still remembered his response to the horrific sight:

 _"OH MY GOD, UNCLE BARRY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH BATMAN?!"_

And Robin's response:

"Oh my god, oh my god, _oh my god, SO NOT FEELING THE ASTER!"_

And more from him:

 _"WHY?!_ What about Aunt Iris? Oh my god Uncle Barry, how could you and — _BATMAN?! Oh my god, I need to bleach my brain, WHY, OH GOD — "_

(There had also been the team's responses — while Robin shrieked in the background, sounding for once like the thirteen year old kid he was, Kaldur and Artemis gaped, Conner blinked, and M'gaan dropped the tray of cookies she'd been holding).

So basically, not only was he left with a damaged brain, he was also left with no cookies.

And now…now Uncle Barry and Batman were staring at them. Oh god, they were _looking straight at them._

If this was a nightmare, this would be a great time to wake up.

However, Wally had long since given up on that hope — no, that would be far too kind. The universe was a cruel, cruel thing, and it wanted to torment them — it wouldn't give up so easily.

This wasn't a dream. And that meant…

 _"RUN!"_ he yelled, and without looking to see if the others were following him, he bolted from the room.

...

The first thing he did when they were all a safe distance away was call Uncle Barry.

Artemis frowned. "You _do_ realise that he's in the other room…"

"I am not standing in the same room as them," Wally snapped. "Ever. But I need to know what the hell Uncle Barry was thinking, so I'm going to call him, and use this phone as a barrier between me and that _horrific thing I was forced to witness!"_

Robin whimpered. Oh yeah — Wally had almost forgotten that his best friend was just as traumatised as he was.

Conner glanced up, looking concerned. "Robin, are you alright?" he questioned.

"No," Robin answered, sounding like he was on the brink of tears. "And I thought Catwoman was bad…"

"I think we should all calm down," Kaldur said, trying to sound like the responsible leader (something he was _really_ good at doing in normal situations but…well, this was definitely not a normal situation). "We need to think about this rationally."

"Batman and Flash are making out!" Robin snapped."There's nothing rational about that!"

Wally ignored them in favour of clutching his phone to his ear. He could however hear Robin's frantic whimpers of, "so not whelming, so not whelming…"

Uncle Barry picked up after the third ring.

"Uncle Barry, why, _how could you?!"_ Wally wailed, not even giving his uncle a chance to respond. "Oh my god, with _Batman_ , and Aunt Iris, oh my god, she's going to divorce you, you're not going to be Uncle Barry anymore, you'll just be Barry, and — I don't even know if I _want_ you to be Uncle Barry, because does that make Batman 'Uncle Batman'? NO, that can't ever happen, because the world can't function if — "

"Kid!" Uncle Barry sounded a mix of concerned and bewildered. "Calm down. What are you _talking_ about?"

"You! And Batman! _Making out in the other room!"_

There was a moment of silence.

"…I'll be right there," Uncle Barry said at last, before hanging up.

"Wha — _no!"_ No, no, that was _not_ what he'd wanted! "Don't you dare!"

Everyone stared at him.

"…They're coming in," Wally moaned.

Robin let out an agonised wail.

...

The moment Batman and Flash filed into the room was the moment that Wally decided enough was enough — he was moving to some strange, foreign country, where the words 'Flash' and 'Batman' would get you nothing but bewildered looks. Because there was no _way_ he could look Uncle Barry in the eyes after today.

"Oh my god!" Robin wailed. "Batman, and Flash, and — this is a complete _disaster,_ and — and — did I mention heavy on the dis? Because it is. Seriously, _why — ?!"_

Batman held up one hand, silencing Robin's frantic wails, and the other questions that had erupted around the room (because it was _Batman,_ and even in a situation like this, you still knew that ignoring him was practically a death wish).

"Before you continue, we've been in the Watchtower all afternoon," Batman growled.

Robin blinked. When he spoke, his voice sounded shaky. "Then how — ?"

And then two figures filed into the room, coming to a stop behind Batman and Flash, and Wally wondered once again if he was trapped in some strange nightmare.

Or he was right about CADMUS.

Because why else would there be _two Batmen and two Flash's_ standing in front of them?

"Time travel," Batman said, stiffly, as if he had read Wally's mind (and, considering that this was Batman, Wally wouldn't be surprised if he had).

"…What?" Robin asked incredulously.

"They're…from the future." Uncle Barry shot the two…time-travelers…a glance, as if he wasn't sure if he should be disclosing this information or not.

Wally didn't care; time-travelers or not, this was still _Uncle Barry_ and _Batman._ So the terrifying lip-locking, and who knew what else, wouldn't be happening for a few more years — it would still be happening.

As if reading his mind (it had to be a Bat thing), Robin cried, "alright fine then — future Batman and future Flash are making out. That doesn't make it any better!"

Wally nodded fervently.

"Huh?!" Uncle Barry sounded incredulous. "What are you _talking_ about?!"

Batman shot other-Flash a deadly look.

Other-Flash sighed. "Yeah, you're right," he said. "I was kissing Batman. But…It's not quite what you're thinking." And with that, other-Flash pulled back his cowl, and the 'let's-confuse-Wally' session was back at full speed.

It wasn't Uncle Barry under the cowl.

It was _him._

"Huh?" was all he could say. He was aware that he probably resembled a goldfish, but then…he was pretty sure everyone else in the room did too.

"So…Wally was making out with Batman?" M'gaan questioned, sounding confused.  
…Oh god, no, no, this was _SO_ much worse…

And then, as if the situation couldn't get any weirder, other-Batman laughed. He _laughed._ Wally didn't even think that was _possible_ — but it had happened. They'd _all_ witnessed it.

This had to be the end of the world. Oh god, he was too young to die, but — maybe it wouldn't be so bad after this. After all, he wasn't getting any of this out of his head, ever.

"Again, not quite what you're thinking," other-Batman said (still grinning, goddammit!), before pulling off his cowl.

"Hey Wally," his best friend said, waving.

Wally gaped.

"Oh my god, who is _that?"_ Artemis demanded. "That…that isn't _Batman,_ is it?"

"Well, you know me as Robin," future-Rob replied (goddammit, this was _Robin_ — and…and he looked _older,_ and this was so, _so_ weird…).

 _"What?!"_ Artemis shrieked.

"R-rob?" Wally choked, staring at the older-version of his best friend with wide eyes. "You're Batman? I'm _Flash?_ Why am I Flash? _Why_ are you Batman?"

This entire situation was making less and less sense, and Wally knew it was only a matter of time before his brain exploded.

Future-Robin smirked. "As my sort-of-not-quite-sister likes to say: spoilers."

 _'…What?!'_

Robin flung his arms in the air. "This is a joke, right? Right?!"

The question was directed at Batman and Uncle Barry, but neither answered. Batman was clearly preoccupied with shooting death stares at his older self.

"Nah," older-him replied, "Di - Batman and I got stuck here a couple of days ago. The League is looking for a way to get us back."

Future-Robin nodded. "Yeah, but then we got bored, so we decided to come here — you know, check out the old hang-out." He grinned.

Everyone else gaped in response.

"I don't _ever_ want anyone calling me Batman," Robin muttered. "That's just…so weird. So weird…"

Wally agreed. There was no way he wanted anyone to call him 'Flash' anytime soon. He didn't like the implications of it. After all, Uncle Barry wouldn't just walk away from his responsibilities, would he? If he was the Flash in the future…

He inwardly shuddered; he didn't want to follow that line of thought.

"Alright, that's enough," Batman growled. "You two, back to the watchtower."

"Yeah, stop sneaking out," Uncle Barry added. "It's bad enough when Future-Bats over there snuck into Present-Bats house."

"I wanted to say hi to Agent A!" future-Robin protested.

Batman glared.

Older-him glanced around the room, before his gaze came to rest on Robin. He sighed, a little wistfully. "Wow…don't you miss the days when Robin wasn't a demonic ex-assassin?"

"No…" future-Robin replied. His voice was filled with what Wally could only describe as sheer adoration. "No, I don't miss them at all…"

"Robin's an assassin?" Conner sounded confused.

"What? No!" Robin replied, slightly incredulous.

Wally frowned; why the hell would Rob be an assassin? That made less sense than Batman and Flash…no, he was not going to think about that right now.

"It's time to leave," Batman said, is voice firm, and terrifying, in that usual Batman way. "This time, _stay_ in the Watchtower, and do _not_ leave."

Future-Robin and older-him actually complied. However, their exit from the room involved a lot of hand-holding, which was almost more disturbing that the thought of them making out.

"And you'll be sleeping in different rooms, goddammit," Wally heard Batman growled, as he left the room.

Wait a second…he and Rob…?

Kaldur coughed. "Well…that was…"

"Robin!" Artemis yelled, whirling around. "Why didn't you tell me you were so hot?!"

Robin choked.

"I mean," Artemis continued, apparently oblivious to the younger male's discomfort, "those _eyes!_ And that _face!_ Seriously, if you look anything like that right now, I don't know why you wear that mask all the time…"

"Stop! _Please!"_ Robin begged. He looked and sounded like he was moments away from hyperventilating. "I'm Batman! Future me is Batman! And…and… _why am I Batman?!"_

That was a very good question, Wally decided. Another good question was, _why the hell were future-him and future-Rob making out?!_

(Also, how the hell had future-him survived this long; Batman already looked like he was contemplating the best ways to murder a speedster).

"Uh…you guys okay?"

They all whirled around, moments away from letting out hysterical shouts (well, he was, and he was almost certain Rob was seconds away from doing the same). Future-Robin — future- _Batman_ for god sake — was standing in the doorway.

"Forgot the cowl!" he said cheerily, grabbing said item. "And now…Wally looks like he's about the throw up, so I'm going to leave."

 _"No!"_ Robin cried. "You can't just leave, I have questions!"

"Hey Dick, you need any help in there?" older-him called out.

 _"Do. Not. Move,"_ he heard Batman snarl (oh yes; he was so going to die).

"His nickname for you is _Dick?"_ Artemis looked impressed. "Wow, you must be good."

Future-Robin blinked. "That's not why…" He paused, and shook his head. "Okay, ask your questions, and I'll answer if I can. And then…" He smiled. "I should really leave before Batman comes in here."

"Okay fine — tell me why I'm Batman," Robin said immediately. Wally noted his tensed shoulders; it was clear that Robin was afraid of the response.

"…Yeah, I can't answer that," future-Robin said, after a moment of hesitation.

"What?" Robin's eyes widened. "Come on! It — I just want to know if…" He hesitated, and Wally could imagine what he wanted to say: _"is Bruce dead?"_

However, after a moment of hesitation, Robin's jaw tensed, and he murmured, "…doesn't matter. I don't really have any other questions."

"Uh, are you kidding me, of course, we have questions!" Wally yelled. He hoped his abrupt cry would snap Robin out of his mood, and he was rewarded with a slight quirk of the lips ( _score for Kid Flash!_ ).

Well yes, he had a very important question that he'd love to have answered, but he didn't think future-Rob would respond if he asked why Uncle Barry wasn't the Flash anymore. So instead, he asked the next most important question:

 _"Why_ were you making out with future-me?!"

Future-Robin grinned. "Oh that's easy — he's hot."

Wally's brain froze.

"And, I love him." Future-Rob's expression resembled something out of those cheesy romance flicks. Wally's brain melted, froze again, and then got hit with a sledgehammer.

Robin looked just as dumbfounded, and kept shooting Wally side-glances, like he couldn't believe it.

"My turn!" Artemis yelled. She stared intently at Future-Robin for a while, before asking (much to Wally's mortification), "why does your butt look so _good?"_

Future-Robin raised one eyebrow. Oddly enough, he didn't look embarrassed, or disturbed. Wally couldn't help but wonder how often he had heard similar comments.

"I mean, come on," she continued, while Robin choked miserably in the background, "it looks pretty damn good." Beside her, M'gaan nodded shyly; heck, even _Superboy_ was staring thoughtfully at Dick.

"A gymnast never reveals his secrets," Future-Robin replied, with a sly grin. "Now, I should really get going. I think Batman's getting impatient, and poor Wally might have to deal with the consequences."

"Wait!" Conner cried. Future-Robin turned to stare at him, almost surprised by the outburst. Conner, looking unashamed by his interruption, stared with wide, hopeful eyes.

"Does…" he hesitated, before continuing. "Does Superman ever accept me?"

Future-Robin blinked, and then smiled. "Yeah he does, Kon-El."

Conner's brow furrowed. "Kon-El?"

Future-Robin's grin widened. "Wait a few years, and then you'll find out."

Conner considered this, before smiling. He looked — well, he looked hopeful, and Wally felt some of his discomfort ebb away at that. The fact that Supey may finally receive the approval he so desperately sought after proved that maybe — just maybe — the future wasn't so bad.

"…Oh, and how come Wally kept calling you an assassin?"

Good question — Wally had almost forgotten about that, but now that it had been brought up…what the hell had older-him meant by that?

"Hmm?" Future-Robin looked confused for a moment, before his eyes widened in realisation. "Oh! No, he wasn't talking about me. He was talking about Damian."

From the numerous blank stares, Wally could tell that he wasn't the only one who had no idea who 'Damian' was.

"He's my utterly adorable baby brother, who I completely and utterly adore in every way single way." Future-Robin beamed, and Wally realised that he was completely serious. "…Batman's son with Talia al Ghul."

Oh god, he was _still_ serious.

"Oh my god, _what?!"_ Robin moaned. "Bru - Batman, are you completely — oh my god, I'd take Uncle Barry over this — "

 _"I wouldn't!"_ Wally cried.

And then older-him appeared in the doorway, as if this little group needed to get any weirder than it already was.

"You coming?" older-him asked Future-Robin. "I think Batman is seconds away from throwing a Batarang at me."

"Yeah, I'm coming," Future-Robin replied. He shot an amused look at the group. "Bye mini-me, mini-team, mini-boyfriend."

Wally choked.

Future-Robin slipped the cowl on, still smiling — _god,_ that was weird — before leaving the room with older-him in tow.

Wally could hear their voices drifting into the room.

"…I swear, he was going to kill me. It's worse than the first time he found out. You better make this up to me, Dick."

"How about a quickie in the Batmobile?"

"Well…"

Wally glanced up; the horror in Robin's eyes indicated that he wasn't the only one that had overheard that lovely little conversation.

Wally decided that time travel was weird. It had only been, what, half an hour? Already his mind was struggling to function, and Robin did not look either insanely happy or diabolical, which was unusual for him.

Apparently he was going to be the Flash someday, and he had no idea _why._ He'd also be making out with his best friend, and again — he had no idea why (Rob was great and all, but he was his best friend, and he was thirteen — it was _weird)._

(Although, future-Rob had _definitely_ not been thirteen).

On the bright side, he didn't think he'd have to call Batman 'uncle' anytime soon.


End file.
